Tarcento,
August 18, 2024
Dear
Mutsumi,
First of
all, I want to thank you for the chance you have given me, in April, letting me
meeting with Haruka. I start this letter in this way because I have started
writing this letter just after be back from Japan.
I don’t
know when and if I will send this letter. However, it is really probable I will
send because while I am writing I know that at the end of this letter I will
put some information and desires that is better you don’t receive through a
LINE message or an email.
I’m am
writing because I need to express my emotions, especially after the trip in
Tokyo. I need to tell you many things. Better, every day I would have something
to ask you or something to tell you, clearly, most related to Haruka’s life,
but also referring to my feelings. So, instead of sending you many messages, I
have collected here my thoughts and my feelings, so, sending to you a letter,
all in once. I hope you can appreciate, or at least consider this letter less intrusive
to your privacy.
In Tokyo you
haven’t given me the chance to speak to you. I don’t blame you. It is a choice
I have to respect. And I don’t want to bother you with thousand of LINE
messages.
The first
day we met in Tokyo, I didn’t know how to greet you. I was really nervous (and
tired for the work and the long travel). I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t
know how could be the attitude of Haruka toward me after the problems of August
and November. I knew that there was a man with you, probably your mate. I was
ready to leave immediately after having met you all outside Tokyo Station
because things could be too much hard to manage for me. Instead Haruka run
toward me: I really didn’t expect it! Then I greeted your mate (I have greeted
him first for respect), and so I shook your hand, even though it isn’t common
in Japan, but in Italy I act in that way with a friend. (I still hope that one
day we can return to be friends).
About that
trip I still owe you money. You didn’t give me the chance to give you the money
of the train and of the hotel. I know, I am always “making counts”, but your
money, are your money, and you have to be refund for the expenses of the trip.
I haven’t insisted enough to let you receive my money and I was also rude and
coarse trying to give the money on the subway platform. I have given something
to Haruka in order to compensate, but she should not be too much accustomed on
receiving too much money. I had to give to you the money. I hope you will give
me the chance to give those money back.
And I owe
you also the money of the entrance at the concert hall and the amusement park. At
the concert I had one of the most beautiful experiences of my life! The music that
I like, Haruka that was sleeping on my lap, I was crying and relaxing. So, I
owe you also one of the best moments of my life!
And at the
amusement park, you acted perfectly! I was tired and nervous when in line
(because I don't like to be in crowded places doing massified things). But you
have been kind, attentive, finding a solution to wait less and at the end it
has been another wonderful experience. I really don't know how to thank you! (After
this experience I have understood that I have to be more flexible. I have
understood that I have to be calmer with the money. I don't think I am
completely stingy. I get anxious if I think I'm spending money in things that
don't give back nothing or resulting in a waste of money (also from ecological
point of view). This time, I was hesitant about the money I would have spent if
I had to pay them myself in advance. But after such an enriching experience, I
would pay you back double!).
I want to
say, again, that I don’t use Haruka as a trick to meet you. I hope now that is
clear that my only interest, when I ask to see my daughter, is her. I know that
between us there isn’t any relationship anymore and the only link is Haruka. I
have already accepted the fact I will not meet anymore “My Mutsumi”. The day
you will allow me to meet her without being obliged to be together, it will be a
turning point, so our lives will be more serene.
I
understand some reason why you don’t want I have a free relationship with
Haruka. But at the same time, I understand my point of view: how can a father abandon
a daughter? I have to say, sincerely, that Haruka is lucky to have a person
like you as a mother. However, for many reasons, she needs the presence of a
father and in the future, some help can be given by me.
About “My
Mutsumi”, it maybe I had an obsession for you, but LOVE is an alteration of the
brain, a type of madness. A mental illness required by Mother Nature in order
to maintain the human species. So, I don’t have any problem to say I may have
been exaggerated, but I have known what LOVE really is. And for me it is
enough, and I don’t ask anything else by you.
I don’t
regret anything and I admit that I still indulge thinking about “My Mutsumi”, during
the day or before to go to sleep.
I know
though that “My Mutsumi” may been existed only in my brain or anyway it has
passed so much time and we are so changed then I don’t ask anything to you and
you don’t owe me anything, you are completely free. I am really sorry that
periodically I have to bother you for my need to meet with Haruka.
I have
cried many days in a row when I knew about your health problems and surgeries. I
care about your health. So, when I will not meet you anymore, I will keep
asking about you to Haruka (if she will want to inform me about your health).
I tell you
this openly and sincerely. Even though it has passed so much time from our
relationship has broken and in Tokyo you barely have spoken to me.
I had
always to hide my feelings for you: to the police, to the Italian Embassy, to
my siblings and to you as well!
I remember
that when once I told you, completely sincere, from the bottom of my heart,
“you are beautiful like Audrey Hepburn!”, I have been scolded, because for you
I was insincere. Few days ago, I have seen by chance a movie with Audrey
Hepburn, my thought was “Mutsumi is more beautiful and better… I have been
offensive to her comparing her to this actress”.
I knew that
I am not fitted to be in a couple… but I have accepted to be a husband only
because you, were you. For example, I speak sometimes with my sister-in-law
(Silvia), she is a good person but absolutely I couldn’t ever merry her.
Sometimes I meet women in which I have some interest, but after a while it always
ends me thinking “ok, she is nice (or interesting) but Mutsumi is completely
another thing, far better, not even to compare”.
I am still
earning from the advice you gave me, ten years ago. Without your advice I would
still doing low wage jobs and I would be at the lower level of society. I earn
well now, even though only in the last two years. And even though this job is
financing all my stupid ideas that don’t give out any revenue, so in the end
there isn't much left to save. I would have need of other advices or a
direction to share with someone, instead I am again stuck, also because my
disease.
It is
incredible to think how a daily tablet of vitamin D as brought me from almost
having to quit the work (2019), to a potential 3000€/month after taxes self-employed
job, with freedom and respect. Vitamin D has given me a change in pace, but
without your advice (and the experience with you), I would be still stuck at a
lower and poor situation.
When we met
in Italy for the first time (2013), I could earn around 700€ euro per month
(nothing). The following months, little by little, with the enthusiasm of
having reconnected with you, I have reached around 1500€ per month (not bad for
Italy) but I was exhausted! So, I forced to be in Japan and stay together.
Luckily for me, we succeeded in having Haruka. So, when back in Italy, I tried
to follow your advice, results came out, but the disease was hitting hard. Till
the day, looking for a solution, a doctor gave me a (partial) response.
If I think
how many years I have lost for this disease, I faint. I was in a hole. You gave
me the strength to find the will to change something. Luckily few years ago my
problem begun clearer, even though not completely. And for sure this disease is
chronic, so I will never be the one I was before, full of energy and
positivity.
Already in
the past I could earn good money (from 2005 to 2009) and I was a small business
owner, but unconsciously, all was lost. Now that I have returned to this level
of earnings, with a higher level of professionality, I am less depressed. There
are colleagues, working in the same field, that can make more money than me,
but I cannot ask more for the moment. I still don’t know if this good period
will last. For the moment I am happy because it means that I am not a complete
jerk. I had a wrong perspective of life (that with you I have a little bit changed)
and a disease who cannot let me express myself. I’m happy and I thank you for
the chance you have given me.
Haruka is a
cute and kind daughter. It might be at the beginning I didn’t deserve to have
her, but now, with all the efforts I made, I know that Haruka has a real
father. Now I deserve her.
I am always
ready to give money for her. You don’t want to have them, even though in the
past we almost found an agreement. I want to say that if you want, I can pass
you around 3000/3500€ per year. I pay in advance, all the year, and not every
month because here in Italy I cannot know if every month they pay me (we are in
a Latin mentality) and I cannot pass to you the burden of the of the lack of
seriousness in paying. If you expect the money, you have to receive it. During
the year if needed, I can always give something more. And if I cannot pay a
year, you will know it in advance.
It has been
an error to force meeting Haruka in August last year, because I have shifted
the responsibility of the choice to see me to Haruka and this is wrong, she
doesn’t have to be put in this condition. And I have bothered again your
family. The way I acted the following November, was better.
I will be
again in Japan in November. I am asking formally, if you will let me see
Haruka. I prefer don’t speak about the divorce settlement. I leave to your honest
evaluation how much you will allow me to meet with Haruka. In my opinion, if
you don’t have time to be in Tokyo, I would be pleased if you may consider to
meet in your area (also for short, very short periods of time, on different
days: for example, 10 minutes after the school one day, 20 minutes at the Aeon
or Harashin if you go for groceries, 30 minutes for a fast lunch at Riverside
Senshu).
However, my
choice is to be in Japan sometimes. In November and in the future, I will not
ask to see Haruka, but the only thing I want is that she has to know I am
there. For my point of view, she has to know that the father has been there to
see her and to support her. If it is not possible to meet, I require a simple
video, a vocal message, or another prove that she knows I am there. I don’t
want to pass to her the burden of the fights between us and among different
legislations and cultures. A video, a prove of the acceptance of my gifts or
anything else, for me will be enough. The time has passed. She has grown and
the relationship I would have desired is impossible to create right now. I have
suffered enough. If you cannot let me meet with Haruka for not even 10 minutes,
it means be really offended and considered like nothing. I don’t want to suffer
anymore (I'm tired, old and sick). And I'm tired of being made fun of by you
and by the police. I have done what I could.
If I don’t
receive any communication that you allow me to see Haruka somewhere in November
before the end of September, I will buy anyway a flight ticket. Consider that I
will be in Toronto from October 23rd to November 4th.
I have done
the choice to go another time there in Toronto, to greet some friend because in
the next years it is really probable that I have to spend a huge amount of
money to renovate an area of the old house I have bought. I am sick and tired
to live in an apartment. This choice will impede me to travel for a lot of
time, may be more than 10 years.
In this
perspective, either I start to renovate the house or I will put a trailer on my
property there will not be the chance for me to offer to you a trip in Italy
for a long time. So, I am asking you if you would accept to have another trip
in Italy the next Spring or whenever you desire, the next year.
I
understand that our cultures are different. You have given a lot compared to
the other Japanese with foreigner divorced situation. But for me it is still
not enough.
One day,
also Haruka will be sick and tired of having me bothering around. So, after of
hers 18 years old, when she will say “stop”, I will disappear. Before I will try
to be regularly in Japan and I require only she knows I have been there for her
(only her). The day she will cut our relationship, for me will be very sad, but
I have to accept (I have seen that many Japanese cut with the original family,
I have to be prepared even though it isn’t my way of thinking). My only targets
now are: 1- to let her know that there is father and he there is always for her,
if she needs; 2- try to avoid to charge her with the responsibility of a
choice: if I am there and she says “Dad, thank you for coming but we will meet
another time”, I have to accept.
I really
believe that you are a great person. You know how to love the others. And also Haruka
loves you. For me it is the best thing, the best reward of all the efforts
made. When I see your intimate relationship, I feel satisfied and happy.
I only
don’t understand why you repel me so strongly. It is true that if involuntarily
you gave me a small sign, like a smile, I would misunderstand and immediately I
would bother you. But it is clear that I have to stay in my place and I try to
stay. You also came to sleep at the same place I live, I think I didn't cross
the limits. Sometimes I involuntarily touched your shoulder (it is my way to
act), in Tokyo once I have raised your backpack (I shouldn’t have done it), but
I really respect your space. Actually, I made the mistakes to bother outside
your house too many times. So, I can understand that you don’t have more trust
in me.
Take care!
Bye!
Andrea
Meneghetti
P.S.
I apologize
if I still speak of love and feelings, but what kind of life would it be
without a place to dream or a woman to think about?
Even though
I am hairy, I stink and even though I have bowel problems, my love was sincere
and I will never forget you. At the same time, you have the right to avoid to
meet me forever. And this from my point of view is already a form of seppuku.
When in
Italy, if you want, we may go in Amalfi. I can go in Amalfi tomorrow if I want.
But I have always hoped to go there with you (and now, with Haruka too). If you
don’t bring me there, I will never go! Clearly we will go there as friends (or
as acquaintances), I will never touch you anymore. If you can make this effort,
I will be pleased, if not it is better for me, stay at home. Go around to sightseeing
is meaningless without you.
Next time
you will be in Italy, I promise I will rent a car!
