Re: BD presents

4/8/2022

My Dear Mutsumi,

You are maintaining Haruka and you are doing a lot! Yes, I have spent some money to send and to buy the presents, but in reality is nothing compared of what you put in terms of energies and in term of real money every day.

I will thank you forever for what you have done for me and for her!

I can send gifts because you have improved the quality of my life.

I have to be sincere, sometimes I earn well. I still waste a lot of money though. I have many dreams and situation were I still put money not giving revenues, but after all, some months the earnings are high. (I live really modestly though. I have an old car. I don’t buy new things often. I cook most of my meals. Just sometimes I go to a party, I have a good life after all, but I live really at a low cost). There are also many days I cannot earn money due to the disease, but sometimes I am paid really good and it is happened because I have followed your advice.

Sometimes I think I don’t deserve all this. Other times I think that after all I have always been sincere; I haven’t betrayed anybody and my wish that Haruka is happy and letting her know her father is present is real. Also now that I have listened there is a weather alert in Niigata Prefecture, I hope that you all are well and I think that if something happens, I cannot help.

I am aware that there is also an amount of egoism in me because thinking about her and about you gives me joy. Seeing her photos gives me happiness. I hope this attitude of mine is however a genuine feeling.

I want to close this email telling you that when you need some help in term of money I am always ready to help.

I should help you for the costs of her living and rising. I just received the amount of taxes I have to pay for the past year. So if you need I can send 2000€. I know that I should propose more. But in Italy this is the economy.

Always in this period, and sometimes in December, I can send money since I can evaluate how much I have in spare money (exceeding the emergency money).

Thank you!

Take care!

Andrea

P.S. I have just received the video of Haruka, Thank you! I don’t know how to thank you anymore... I have sent the video and some photos to my siblings, so my sister knows the T-shirt of Cameroon arrived. Now she is on Cruise trip...  I will try to disappear for some days since I understand I have asked too much in this period. It may be I will send Birthday wishes to Haruka on the 16th.

message

4/8/2022 

Thank you message from Haruka

BD presents

4/8/2022

Andrea

Today, LOL arrived and luckily….she’s at home.

She is sooooooo excited and now, she’s opening one by one with smile on her face.

She can’t stop talking with new friends(LOL dolls).

Thank you for huge presents.

I can’t buy these amounts to her.

Take care of yourself.

Mutsumi

RE: received

3/8/2022

Dear Mutsumi, 

I'm happy to know the package arrived. 

You are kind putting the extra money on her bank account. I know I have put more money than needed for the customs fees, but not knowing the amount I prefered put more than less. 

Tomorrow should arrive also the LOL present.

Thank you for the time you spend. I know I am giving you a big burden! I really appreciate! 

I hope your family doesn't get too much annoyed by these packages arriving too much frequently. 

Give a kiss to Haruka for me.

Take care!

Bye!

Andrea 

P.S.: actually I have almost recovered. At least I can walk, I have slept and I can work.

received

3/8/2022 

Andrea

Today, I received your package. Thank you.

About the money you sent, I will put into Haruka’s bank account. So when she really wants to do something, I will give those money to her.

How is your condition? Take care.

Mutsumi

Re: Re: I hope…

2/8/2022 

My Dear Mutsumi,

Thank you for the mails of this period... it is so beautiful to see Haruka happy!

I am sorry for being a little bit slow in answering these mails but I am having quite health problems in the last days. Not so severe but I have problem in walking (for a tendinitis at my ankle) and consequently arrived a back pain and last evening couldn’t even write a mail and stay seated on a chair for the pain. And last night I haven’t slept. But I feel that I am recovering. It is my rheumatic disease. As soon as I can I will go to the doctor.

I have just bought the present for Haruka (LOL Surprise!, as suggested): thank you for the suggestion!

Now I am waiting for the confirmation because last time I have bought with Amazon Japan I had some problems. So, if Haruka asks something, you can say I am trying to send the present to her.

I really thank you for considering coming in Italy with Haruka. It is my only aim in life to see her again. It is almost three year the last time we met. I really care about her life even though we don’t know each other.

When you decide, just ask for the money, it is ready!

Thank you again! Also for the huge amount of time you spend to let me maintain this little contact with her.

Take care of yourself!

Bye!

Andrea

P.S.: When I feel pain or depression, I indulge on thinking about you, about Haruka, I watch the photos you sent about her, our old photos (few days ago I have watched the video of our marriage --- I feel embarrassed revealing it). And sometimes I write these emails, too much honeyed and lovey dovey, even though our relationship is finished and closed well far in the past. I know I shouldn’t, but I haven’t anything else. I try to limit myself, but not always I succeed. However, when it is too much, you just have to say the word “stop!”, and I will stop.

Re: Re: I hope…

 2/8/2022

Andrea

Sorry, I noticed your reply today.

She’s waiting LOL from you, really.

She said “Will daddy send me LOL??? I can’t wait!! “

These days, she talk about you.

She’s telling “My daddy is living in Italy.”

I really want to take her to Italy and want to go the museum where we went.

I can’t tell you when. But I really want to do.

Please take care of yourself.

Mutsumi

photos for July

1/8/2022 

Andrea

How are you doing?

These are photos of July.

She joined English summer camp. She enjoyed a lot.

So busy summer holiday….

Take care of yourself.

Thank you for your help.

Mutsumi

RE: lunch box

24/7/2022 

This is an unexpected present you sent me...

Thank you!

I go to the bed... feeling happy and serene.

lunch box

 24/7/2022

Andrea

Thank you for lunch box.

Take care of yourself.

Re: I hope…

18/7/2022

My Dear Mutsumi,

I’m happy receiving your suggest (actually I can see the link) and I clearly understand your point of view. I completely agree and understand that too many things are not good. And it also implies that a gift lose meaning when there is an overabundant quantity of them.

I am sad that my wish to let Haruka know that her father hasn’t forget her, become a burden for you.

My only aim is that she has to know that the father still think about her. It isn’t my intention to buy things without meaning. But it is hard to find a working solution for both of us.

If you prefer I can buy also immaterial things for her like a course or something else that you may reckon is worth.

You can choose a clothes or shoes with the right size and either I buy it on amazon or I send you a debit card and you buy the stuff. She doesn’t know that it wasn’t me who sent it, even though you buy in your area.

However, when you want, there is still the money for your travel if you want to be here with Haruka. And that can be a present. You have just to tell her.

I wanted let you know something about my health. The last tests says it might be ankylosing spondylitis (in the next two months I will have more time so I will take another period of medical analysis). I really don’t know how it may evolve. However it can explain my health and body problems of the last 20 years. Hopefully I will have a favourable disease course; otherwise my capacity to move (and earn money) will be strongly limited.

However, I can say that I was completely affected by the disease when we reconnected 9 years ago in Venice. I strongly reckon that you gave me such an energy that helped me to try to overcame my health problem even though I wasn't completely aware of it. And even though you may think I tell you this just to please you, I thank you again for your stimulus. Now things are not that bad. I have ups and downs but I have improved my quality of life and I have a sort of profession.

I know that my health problems are nothing compared to yours but without having met you my life would have been really wasted.

So, given that I don’t want to disturb anymore, if I don’t receive other choices by you, I will buy the present you have suggested.

Thank you very much for the time you have spent for me!

Take care!

Bye!

Andrea

P.S.: If we are lucky the present I have sent by normal postal package, may arrive on time for her Birthday, so you can tell her the package is the present. And more, inside there should be 10000¥. Hopefully, it may remains some money to buy something.

I hope…

18/7/2022

Andrea

How are you doing?

I sent Amazon site that she wants for her birthday present.

It’s LOL surprise dolls.

I hope you can see that site. I tried to find URL but I couldn’t… If you can not find, just let me know.

Actually she has soooooo many toys. I always say “tidy things up or I must throw away everything!!!!!”

Present problem is difficult to solve.

Clothes may be the best present, but she needs to have joy.

If you have other idea of present, that will be fine.

Thank you for your kindness.

Take care.

Mutsumi

Re: Oh! already…

7/7/2022

Thank you!

What a relief! You know... not having received your mail yet, unleashed in me  a series of hypothetical scenarios: from the fact you might have some health problems, to the possibility you might be upset for my requests...

I'm happy!

I try to disappear for the rest of the month!

Bye!

Andrea

Andrea How are you doing? I am really sorry for late to send photos. Already July … I’ve been busy too. I don’t know why I forgot. These are photos. About your sister’s kindness. I really appreciate. Please tell her how I thank her. I haven’t expected it because I was not…. And also your thoughts. Thank you. I will ask her about her birthday present and reply to you. Take care of yourself. Mutsumi

7/7/2022 

Andrea

How are you doing?

I am really sorry for late to send photos. Already July …

I’ve been busy too. I don’t know why I forgot.

These are photos.

About your sister’s kindness. I really appreciate. Please tell her how I thank her. I haven’t expected it because I was not….

And also your thoughts. Thank you.

I will ask her about her birthday present and reply to you.

Take care of yourself.

Mutsumi

Few things...

 3/7/2022 

My Dear Mutsumi,

First of all, thank you for the videos of the last weeks. So it is clear that I don’t expect any photo for this month.

And by the way I was so busy this June that I couldn’t bother you. In July I will be more free, I hope I will be able to control myself! AhAhAh!

I was waiting a moment to write you because I have to tell you few things:

• It is early, but do you have any suggestion for Haruka’s birthday present?
  
• There is a little problem. My sister, believing I could be in Japan soon, has given me a little present for Haruka. Embarrassed, I told her that I cannot be in Japan because of the Covid-19 pandemic. I haven’t mentioned that you prefer I don’t come to Japan for the moment. She proposed that she could send the gift by herself. I insisted that I will do it hoping that the pack may arrive: the address has to be written correctly and there are many problems to send pack to Japan in the last months. Although the main reason is because I want to put some Yen inside the pack so if Japan Post asks you money for the customs, you don’t have any annoyance. I think that I have only one bill of 10000¥. I hope it will be enough.

Answer only if you can and when you can.

Hope you all are well.

Bye.

Andrea

RE: thank you

21/6/2022 

Thank you Mutsumi!

Actually I have made an other order before the fruit box, but amazon didn't accept the payment.  I don't know why...

So I have tried for another thing... the first order is still blocked, but the second,  thankfully arrived.

I'm happy!

Bye

thank you

21/6/2022 

Andrea

Thank you for your present to Haruka.

She is really happy to receive it.

I’ll use it for her lunch dessert (fruits) box.

Actually it’s a little bit smaller than she is using now. But she said she preferred to use that you send.

Thank you for your kindness.

Take care of yourself.

Mutsumi

Re: Father’s Day

 19/6/2022

My dear Mutsumi,

Here my answers for Haruka.

I have done two videos so if the second you recon it isn't appropriate, you can skip it.

https://youtube.com/shorts/BED0_LlyT-M?feature=share

https://youtube.com/shorts/yRadiPdt3Fk?feature=share

Sorry if I keep disturbing...

Thank you very much!

Bye!

Andrea

RE: Father’s Day

 19/6/2022

By the way, Haruka has a really beautiful voice! 

Actually I have tears welling in my eyes...

I am crying... of joy!

Thank you, but not only for the video, Thank you for the choice you did trying to have a relationship with me in the past. Haruka is really a great outcome for a real love I had for you!

RE: Father’s Day

 19/6/2022

My Dear Mutsumi, 

I am so happy receiving this message!

If I make one video as well, will you show it to Haruka?

I try to make a simple video without speak of topics that may be difficult or creating doubts to her or inappropiate.

I don't know how to thank you. This unexpected message gives me joy and happiness. And gives me also the will to keep make efforts to go ahead!

Give a kiss to her in my stead!

Bye! And thank you, thank you, thank you!

Andrea 

Father’s Day

 19/6/2022 

Andrea

How are you doing?

Here’s the message from Haruka.

Take care.

Mutsumi

Re: photos

 

4/6/2022

My Dear Mutsumi,

I really Thank You!

I didn't insist for the photos of this month because I have bothered enough in the past months.

However, since I always think about you two, I was anxious to know if everything was all right. After all, if I receive these mails it means that you are good as well.

So now I am more serene. I can restart the countdown for the next month (I don't have anything else to think and to live for).

Thank you again.

Bye!

Andrea

P.S. I am extremely happy to see Tsuky in good shape as well!

Photos

 4/6/2022

Andrea

How are you doing?

I am sorry for late to send photos.

These days, she is pretending to be Beyoncé. She loves to listen and sing her songs.

She wants me to call her “Deyonce”. Because sometimes I call her “D”(D=dear).

Everything is fine.

Thank you for your help.

Mutsumi

Re: photos

30/4/2022

My Dear Mutsumi,

First of all thank you for the photos. I think that the park in the photo is Zenibuchi Park. I have the photo of that park on the background of my mobile phone (almost in the same place you took the photo of Haruka). It brings back beautiful memories.

In these days I am not so well, but I try to hold on, just to earn money and go ahead. Even if suffering, I am deeply happy because I am not giving up!

After the trip in Croatia, I have reached these reasoning that I express through points because I am always too much wordy.

1. I am stressed and I feel alone. The consequence is that I restarted to be nervous and I restarted mention to you the divorce settlement. Help me to avoid this error.

2. I will never forget you (I am sorry). I really don’t know how to manage this situation. I have thought about you and Haruka every day, more time per day, in this last month. And I dream you and Haruka often.

3. Without having met you, what my life could have been?

4. I am often out or however I meet a lot of people (some women ask me out sometimes, incredible!) but I really don’t feel anything. The feelings I felt when I was with you are irreplaceable and irreproducible. While these people and these women speak I think about you. I smile to them because when they speak, I think about you and how much better you are. I see these (falsely happy) couples around and I think that I had my share of joy for my life, I don’t feel envies: it is better a short period lived in happiness than keeping having unhappy long relationships.

5. I needed this trip for my body and mind. I am ready to restart.

6. I will keep working as much as I can, trying to develop ideas and opportunities.

7. But one day I will leave everything back. It might be in 10 years, 1 year, 5 years, 15 years? I don’t know. For the moment it is important to demonstrate to myself that I am not a complete jerk. Showing to myself that I could do something in life. But being alone, it is meaningless to proceed, so I will abandon everything sooner or later.

8. Thanks to you, I realized myself from the professional point of view too.

9. I am ready to live the rest of my life without see you again. I don’t ask anything from you. It is your right to live without meet me again. I try to live with the good and beautiful memories I have.

10. Don’t ask that I forget Haruka though. It is up to you to depict (to decide), how I could meet with Haruka without bother you. But in the meanwhile I will keep to try to have a relationship with her (I am sorry if this will bother you).

11. Sometimes I need to write these letters. Be patient. I am periodically in crisis. It is related to my illness too. It is not so clear though if the crisis derives from the illness or the illness derives for a depressed psychological state.

I have never betrayed the deal we have made when we met in 2013 and when we married in 2014. From the beginning you said “you will get bored to be with me and you will break the relationship”. Instead I still think of you. I remember that in April 2014 you already asked me “Please, leave me!”. I couldn’t.

I don’t blame you though. I am not suited for you. And after all, in those days of our relationship, I gave you a too big burden. I wasn’t in good shape and I was not in the right mental set. I want thank you for the chance and the big emotions I have felt.

I am proud of having being able to be loyal and honestly linked to the promise I made. Now I have to try to avoid to be a too heavy burden. I have made big steps. But it isn’t enough yet. I think that I have a brain that has difficulties to forget. Especially when it is set to love.

Even if practically I have never seen and lived with my daughter, I feel a strong link: is this mental illness or is this a behaviour of an evolved mind with a high IQ having strong emotional and social skills? I don’t search an easy answer. I know that I have also a mental illness. But is there also a sane, healthy and good part in my behaviour?

I am sorry for a so long letter. I try to disappear for a while.

Take care!

Bye.

Andrea

P.S. Few days ago I have heard about the accident of a boat in Hokkaido. So I have thought about the fact if Haruka and you were on that boat nobody would have informed me... this is the level of anxiety I live...

photos of the month

 30/4/2022

Andrea

How are you doing?

These are photos of April.

She is quite well.

She became a elementary school student.

Thank you for your help.

Take care of yourself.

Mutsumi