Thoughts

Dear Mutsumi,

yesterday I thought to avoid to be in Tokyo... I know that it is meaningless be there, with you, after more than two years without any contact, without any photo of you, without a word in so much time.

But I strongly think that is important letting know to Haruka that there is a father. Not for the next months, but for her life, not only for an economical reason (because we know that I can help really little, especially if I waste money doing these type of expensive journeys). And I cannot live knowing that potentially my daughter needs help.

Today is 3/11. In this day, 6 years ago, I had a hit at my heart when I heard about the Tsunami. My mind run thinking of you. After, I discovered that you were safe. The truth is that I had that feeling though. Who knows why?

However, the best moment of my life was you. Even though it was tough and tiring to keep the pace.

And I still remember pleasant moments. The best was in April 2014 when I was there working in the rice fields, learning new things and one day you brought us something to drink. I will never forget it! Even though in Echigo-Yuzawa station, before taking the train to go back to Italy, you already asked me to let you free.

I have to accept that our relationship finished. It is hard for me. I cannot hide that I have tears in my eyes today thinking of this long adventure that is closing. But it is time to go ahead.

I ask again to be patient. Like accepting some mail like this. I feel better now, after so many problems and changes in my life. But sometime, some “blue” day, still come. It is anyway my intention to find a (fair) solution to our problems.

I have never hated you, not even in the worst moments.

Although I was angry towards you. But I have to admit that now I feel gratitude toward you. You saved me. You gave me a chance that nobody did (female or male). You completed me. I was in a deep depression. And in some way now I am doing well. Now I can do this travel to Japan with no economical worries because you helped me understand how wrong my perception of the world was. Yes, it depends also from the chances one person can have in the area where one is living. But I know that I have done more than before. And still I have a lot to do.

I will never regret the choices I made. And I don’t regret these two years where I kept working looking for a solution, instead of giving up everything.

I can understand that you want your sister’s family as help the first day. Your fear may be that I have hidden intentions. Be sure that I just would like to create a little relationship with Haruka.

I know that this time will be hard, for both of us. I hope that the presence of your family will help us to ease the awkward moments.

I hope that we can find in this little trip, some little moments of joy. I don’t know the character of Haruka, but if the few times we meet, there isn’t any moment of joy, why should she keep meeting me?

I thank you for having listened my thoughts.

Bye.

Andrea

P.S. And when at the evening, you will remain alone, in your old age, remember someone who loved you. I will be ready to shovel the snow and clean the house for you, if I will be still alive.

Tarcento, 11^th March 2017