May, 1st 2017

May, 1st 2017

Dear Mutsumi,

there will be photos for May? I would like to know given the fact I am living now basically waiting them. It is hard to wait an entire month (But that is!).

I want let you know that I don’t feel angry anymore for our separation. Our meeting in Tokyo helped a lot. I found you different, grown. I found you woman. A mother.

I realized that I was so sad for the divorce because after all the love I felt for you, having put you as my lighthouse, I couldn’t accept that you had that idea of me. But you are free, you have always been. I only wanted a fair confrontation and no tricks, a more international idea of family and children. The meeting has showed a lot about your attitude toward me and the fact I don’t have to blame myself, I have tried to change. We had only to speak more. Or I just needed time.

However I went to a psychologist because I still have problem to manage our separation: I keep thinking of you and Haruka every moment. I have explained to the psychologist the situation. I told her that I need to find a solution. I told her: “I have to try to accept that I have to forget her and avoid to have feelings for my daughter”. She said: “yeah, you are like all the men, you are getting away!”.

If I have the chance, I will change psychologist. But now I am getting very busy: I get a new job, in a small food plant.

I wanted let you know that I get the job also because I had the little experience in your mother’s business (I had to justify what I have done in Japan). I was sincere in the little activities I have done in Shiozawa, but they were surprised anyway. Clearly, also the new counselling activity I am doing now as food technician has had a big role. But without the practical experience in Japan they would never gave me this opportunity.

So, now I am quite sure that I can save myself. I have a future in different fields of work, I am a lot more serene. After the death of my mother and the separation from you, I was quite worried.

And this is the point and the reason I am writing: having met you has been really important for me. From the first time you entered the saloon of Youth Hostel in Toronto, I knew that I could receive a lot from you. I didn’t want to exploit you; I have only seen in you a positive person. You opened my mind to new culture, to a new way to eat, to a different perspective in life. And now I use almost everyday the cream for my face, my hands and nails! ;-)

But the big teaching I have received arrived in the last moments of our relationship: you have showed me all my limits, my inability to live in this world, my will to remain a child, forever and without responsibility... and then the impossibility to be a husband and a father. I have tried to change, and some results are coming up. I still have my moments when I suffer stress, but I am really positive that I have learnt the lesson. I still have to learn to maintain the pace, though.

At the beginning of our relationship/friendship, you haven’t considered me a lot, but I insisted. It was clear that I was too far from your ideal type of man. After, when we reconnected, you have tried to cope and deal with me. I wasn’t ready.

So now, that I am save, thanks to you, to your teachings, I leave you with the risk to put you in danger from the economical point of view. And I imagine that your mother will help you again. So when I am free and freed, you are again under the control of your mother. And the worst part is that for many years also Haruka will be in the same situation. It is hard to accept for me!

What should do a father?

What should do a refused husband?

What should I do?

Bye.

Andrea

P. S. This letter was also written to thank you again! For the chance you have given to me. And I would like also to thank your mother for the opportunity to learn the food production I had; if you can, do it for me. (I have understood that she doesn’t want to hear anymore about me, but I really feel gratitude. All this experience changed me a lot...)

I want to confirm your point of view that you expressed in our meeting in Tokyo: in November 2014 I came in Japan without an idea of what to do there to earn money. I realize it now. Before for me was normal, but now I understand I have subjected you to a too high stress. I came because I wanted to stay closer to you and because how could we have had a child without staying together? I forced the situation, but in 20 days we succeeded in having a baby. (to be honest in just 2 days). And if I colud return back in time I would never go in Toronto. I would like having gone back in Europe and start work hard. The biggest mistake of my life...