30/9/2022
My Dear Mutsumi,
I am so happy having received the painting and your letter. As soon as I can I will frame the painting in order to put it on the wall so I will have another souvenir of a happy moment of my life. As I have done with other things that I have collected in these years, starting from that far November 2006 when we met in Toronto.
In this mail I will say many things. And I will end with the proposal I hope you may consider.
First of all I have done the laser surgery at the right eye. Next Tuesday I will have the laser surgery to the left eye. Hopefully everything will go well. For the other health problems, it seems that I have something, but luckily it is a minor thing: I have the less severe one of rheumatic diseases. I’m happy! However I have been affected for years without knowing it.
The second thing I want to deep is the fact Haruka is happy speaking about me. I think that she is not speaking about me, but about “the idea of having a father”. I am aware that children have the genetic need to have the “presence” of parents. I have bothered you in these years because I need to know that Haruka will live with the idea that she has been protected, that she is been loved. So as a parent, I need to know my daughter is well. And I am not egoistic in this my attitude. It is being a human being and a good father.
You have been the person I most loved. Not even my mother I have loved like I have loved you, it is an incomparable feeling. So I remain always a bit perplexed when you speak about what you feel about me. I understand that you may feel disgusted by me. My way to be, my way to express, my odour, my intestinal problems, my incapacity to have a stable job, my incapacity to stay in the society, my scaring nervousness, my incapacity to be a husband, my condition being “ugly as hunger”. What I don’t understand is the hate you have against me. Basically I loved you so much that it wasn’t my intention to hurt you. Even though I know I have made you suffer and I have made many mistakes.
So, I really consider that you have done the right thing to cut the relationship. I feel grown up and calmer after I have overcome this heartbreaking situation.
I knew from when we met in Toronto that we were too much different. I was sure that I could meet “another Mutsumi” everywhere, I thought that it was for the fact you were Japanese. Instead you are unique. I have met many Japanese, but I hadn’t the interest I have felt for you. Sometimes, if I met a Japanese woman, I check if she has beautiful hands like yours. But till now I was unsuccessful.
When you reconnected 9 years ago, I was in a big crisis, physical and psychological. I knew that we were too much different and I wasn’t enough for you. I was also asking myself “How is it possible this is happening?”. Even though I have suffered a lot, I thank you from the deep of my heart for having tried to have a family with me and for having given me this chance. It has given me the chance to feel the deepest love ever, I couldn’t even image it could be something similar. A so big emotion that still pervades me. A lot of my friends that couldn’t feel what I have felt, now are lost! I owe you a lot. So I cannot have any hate against you. The only thing is that I want to establish a relationship with Haruka.
The other side of the coin for this big love, is that I cannot forget you. Or better, I still remember that girl who I met in the hall of the Youth Hostel and the one who came in Venice (and I was with an unshaved beard, totally unkempt!). So as long as I'm alive, I'll have those feelings. But now we are so different from before, I am getting old fast, so don’t be scared by me, a part some word I say about your beauty and about my feelings of the past, I don’t ask anything from you. I know that I have to finish my life only with memories. It is hard to live in this way and it is hard to speak openly about it. But I have to be strong.
Then arrived your letter. Where you have mentioned about quitting the job in order to obtain the next step, for your life. And so, I have recognized you again and I have found again one of the aspects of your being that I like: you are a person who tries!
So, I am happy for you and for your choice. I support your choice. If you need some help for Haruka for sure I want to help. Here in Europe the situation is everyday more difficult. I am a little bit worried for the expenses for the heat and for the electricity. I'm late to put a wood stove in the house. I can have plenty of wood, for many reasons, but the stove and all the works are expensive. So I am trying to built a small solar power plant who doesn’t require authorizations. So I can use the produced electricity for small appliances like electric stove, computer, mobile phone and a light.
About the possibility that you come in Italy with Haruka, I repeat myself telling you that the money is ready and whenever you want to be here you are welcome. By the way, this summer I had the chance to finish the shower in the lower bathroom, so if you come here, you and Haruka will have your own space. And speaking about what you want to see, Florence or whatever is all right for me: it is my dream to travel with someone I want to be with; I want to be with you and Haruka. I just ask to pass some days also in my area so it is easier to meet the cousins of Haruka. And if my sister cannot move, we might pass also in Milan to meet Denise.
At the end the proposal. I already know that it will be hard that you might accept it, but I want to try anyway. The proposal is: when the borders open, we may meet with Haruka on a weekend basis (Saturday afternoon and a Sunday morning). In Tokyo or in Nagaoka (or wherever it is convenient for you).
I explain me better. Since you cannot lose time and it is meaningless for me to spend too much time in Japan, even if the ticket flight is expensive, I would come just for a weekend and then I go back in Italy. However, a ticket, in late October or in November, from Italy to Japan, at the moment can be sold for 800€, the half of a ticket from Japan to Italy. So if I come for only a weekend, I don’t have to spend money in hotels, I don’t have problems in adapting my sleep at the comeback. I thought meeting in Nagaoka given the fact it may be less tiring for you to travel there; it may be you have to do your purchases. And so if you might allow it, having also the lunch together with Haruka and then you can come back in Shiozawa and you still have mostly of the afternoon for you, especially if we eat early. Clearly it is all at my charge.
I don’t want to deepen more this topic. I know that it is a difficult decision for you. I am ready to change my proposal in every point in order to try to reach a satisfactory solution for you (for example meeting in Tokyo so you can meet also with your sister and her family). I have only a doubt: the money that I spend for this travel could be for Haruka life, but from the other hand, I need to see her.
Take care!
Bye for now.
Andrea
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