Re: photos

30/4/2022

My Dear Mutsumi,

First of all thank you for the photos. I think that the park in the photo is Zenibuchi Park. I have the photo of that park on the background of my mobile phone (almost in the same place you took the photo of Haruka). It brings back beautiful memories.

In these days I am not so well, but I try to hold on, just to earn money and go ahead. Even if suffering, I am deeply happy because I am not giving up!

After the trip in Croatia, I have reached these reasoning that I express through points because I am always too much wordy.

1. I am stressed and I feel alone. The consequence is that I restarted to be nervous and I restarted mention to you the divorce settlement. Help me to avoid this error.

2. I will never forget you (I am sorry). I really don’t know how to manage this situation. I have thought about you and Haruka every day, more time per day, in this last month. And I dream you and Haruka often.

3. Without having met you, what my life could have been?

4. I am often out or however I meet a lot of people (some women ask me out sometimes, incredible!) but I really don’t feel anything. The feelings I felt when I was with you are irreplaceable and irreproducible. While these people and these women speak I think about you. I smile to them because when they speak, I think about you and how much better you are. I see these (falsely happy) couples around and I think that I had my share of joy for my life, I don’t feel envies: it is better a short period lived in happiness than keeping having unhappy long relationships.

5. I needed this trip for my body and mind. I am ready to restart.

6. I will keep working as much as I can, trying to develop ideas and opportunities.

7. But one day I will leave everything back. It might be in 10 years, 1 year, 5 years, 15 years? I don’t know. For the moment it is important to demonstrate to myself that I am not a complete jerk. Showing to myself that I could do something in life. But being alone, it is meaningless to proceed, so I will abandon everything sooner or later.

8. Thanks to you, I realized myself from the professional point of view too.

9. I am ready to live the rest of my life without see you again. I don’t ask anything from you. It is your right to live without meet me again. I try to live with the good and beautiful memories I have.

10. Don’t ask that I forget Haruka though. It is up to you to depict (to decide), how I could meet with Haruka without bother you. But in the meanwhile I will keep to try to have a relationship with her (I am sorry if this will bother you).

11. Sometimes I need to write these letters. Be patient. I am periodically in crisis. It is related to my illness too. It is not so clear though if the crisis derives from the illness or the illness derives for a depressed psychological state.

I have never betrayed the deal we have made when we met in 2013 and when we married in 2014. From the beginning you said “you will get bored to be with me and you will break the relationship”. Instead I still think of you. I remember that in April 2014 you already asked me “Please, leave me!”. I couldn’t.

I don’t blame you though. I am not suited for you. And after all, in those days of our relationship, I gave you a too big burden. I wasn’t in good shape and I was not in the right mental set. I want thank you for the chance and the big emotions I have felt.

I am proud of having being able to be loyal and honestly linked to the promise I made. Now I have to try to avoid to be a too heavy burden. I have made big steps. But it isn’t enough yet. I think that I have a brain that has difficulties to forget. Especially when it is set to love.

Even if practically I have never seen and lived with my daughter, I feel a strong link: is this mental illness or is this a behaviour of an evolved mind with a high IQ having strong emotional and social skills? I don’t search an easy answer. I know that I have also a mental illness. But is there also a sane, healthy and good part in my behaviour?

I am sorry for a so long letter. I try to disappear for a while.

Take care!

Bye.

Andrea

P.S. Few days ago I have heard about the accident of a boat in Hokkaido. So I have thought about the fact if Haruka and you were on that boat nobody would have informed me... this is the level of anxiety I live...