Re: photos

 2/9/2021 

Dear Mutsumi,

I really thank you for the photos, for me is always a joy!!!!

I want to share this to you. Two days ago I felt really bad. I thought I was dying. Instead it was practically nothing. I was stressed from many days of work and I met a guy and we drank too much together; we hadn’t eaten properly, there was also quite a cool air and I was dressed too light for 14°C (we had a drastically change of weather for few days). My health condition exacerbated everything. I passed an entire day in the bed because the night I really couldn’t sleep and I had gut problems, my head was spinning, I had feeling of puking, I was worried I could have a heart attack. I haven’t eaten anything for all day long also because nobody could help me. (even though I informed my brother that I wasn’t ok, without alarming him too much).

So I passed all the worst moment (one night and one day) in the bed thinking I was dying. And during this period I was thinking only about you and Haruka. And all this thinking was comforting me. I was there lying and I was remembering the moments I have passed with you and Haruka (even though, after all, are quite few, but for me it was enough). Watching the photos of the past and those you have sent to me more recently. I was ready and content to die if I had. The feelings inside me were brimful and satisfying of a life. I really hadn’t other desires to fulfill.

 

When everything passed, I was really hungry… and rapidly I restarted a normal life… I felt also silly for my fears.

I realized again that I am alone. But it isn’t a problem.

I have also realized that Haruka is the only person I refer in my life even though we haven’t a relationship. If I die everything is for her.

And I realized, again, how important has been my relationship with you.

I have asked myself why I am writing all this to you. The answer is that I need to share these emotions with someone. My life is a desert, but I am not sad. After all I had a proper and complete life having met you in my life.

I have sent the photo of Haruka with the guitar to Pino (the Canadian guy who helped us to communicate in the first period of our separation) and he said how happy and beautiful is Haruka (he says also that she resembles me, I really don’t know). He envies me, in a good way, because he says that at least I have someone to think about. But he says also that I try to take the best out of every situation, because he says that after all my life has been hard.

I loved my mother but only at the end I have been a good son. I loved you, deeply. But I realized that I am “wrong”. There is something wrong in me.

It might be that I write so much to you because I hope that someday I will have the chance to have a deeper relationship with Haruka. (At the same time I understand that more I bother you, less chances there are you are willing to relate with me).

I apologize for this long mail!

Bye!

Andrea

P.S. there was another little present for Haruka, but is seems that is somewhere lost in the delivery… If it arrives all right, otherwise there will be the chance to send other things in the future…