31/10/2021
My Dear Mutsumi,
Fifteen years ago we met in Toronto and I still remember you coming out from the shower in the youth hostel of Widmer street (that now has been torn down).
Yes, “My Dear” because having met you in my life has given me a lot and I cannot forget you.
There was a guy in those days at the hostel. He was from London or from Wales, I don’t remember. I think the name was Cash or something similar. You liked him. I was kind of jealous. I knew that I couldn’t be like him, a skater. A cool guy, beautiful, with the cool apparel. I remember that once we three went to see the typical shoes for skaters in a shop on Queen St. West. I was there more for you (I hadn’t any interest on those things). You were happy. I realized that we couldn’t matching. However I kept looking for you in the corridors and in the common areas of the hostel, and asked to you to teach me more about your country and you. So sometimes you allowed me to go on lunches with you (and with Akiko if I remember well the name). For months (and years), after I left Toronto, I kept thinking of you.
After years you came back in my life. I really cannot realize how is it possible receiving such an immense present. I really feel gratitude toward you.
Few days ago I’ve seen two elderly exchanging outpourings of love and affection. I will not have the chance to feel that in my life. It doesn’t matter. I will live with my memories that I try to not forget.
These years are passing fast. So, there is not even the time to complain for something missed. It is better to concentrate on the beautiful parts of our lives. Because there is also satisfaction on some goal obtained and the improvement achieved. And for sure Haruka above everything. It is just that sometimes I feel a little bit alone, especially those days that I am out of work.
Your mother was right. The work made in the house shouldn’t be paid. And I really haven’t asked for anything in those days though, in fact I was already working for free. But at the same time I was doing that work without enthusiasm and precision. But not for your mother or for the work itself, I had my mind set in a wrong way, in that period. You have given many hints showing me that I was going in the wrong direction. It has been a big teaching. At the same time I had to be more brave on avoiding wrong situations: I shouldn’t never accept to work full time there and I had to be more focused on maintaining a family: instead I was like “on vacation”.
You were right as well, back then: Your sensations that I wasn’t enough were right. At that time I couldn’t maintain a family, so you did the right thing to break. It imposed me to grow.
At the same time I was in crisis, my health wasn’t good and it is true I insisted to be in Japan but for a good cause: for having the chance having Haruka. I succeeded. We succeeded. You have never recognized it.
When you send your mails you still avoid to use “Dear” to start the letters. That still hits me strongly. So for you I don’t deserve even the minimum polite letter header. A heading given to everybody, but that I cannot still receive. From one side it is a good thing because it is clear our distance, but it implies that it will be impossible to return friends, in your mind. Although I really think that it is unfair after all the feelings I had for you and also the effort I tried to put in these our lives.
I have tried to be your mate. I failed. But even though I wasn’t enough and I was going in the wrong directions sometimes, I always tried to listen you and understand you. It is also true that I have tried to have a relationship with Haruka. And sometimes I have done some action that were going against you. But I have never pushed to the limit. I always tried to act leaving open a door for the future. And when I went too far, I always tried to come back, to save you and Haruka as priority, not myself. In fact we resolved quite well our dispute on the divorce even though it has been quite hard. I have always respected you.
I had to act in that way because I am sure that for Haruka will be good for her mental health and her future. I don’t think that the option to forget Haruka is the best. It is against my culture. It is against the well being of everybody.
I would like to be again friend with you. I would like to have a little deeper relationship with Haruka.
I would like to make peace with your mother. I think that she hates me. I would like to make peace not as a former son-in-law but as human beings. Telling her that I have always appreciated her strength. I was just unfitted to be under someone, to act as an employee, a subordinate. I live better being a freelance, even though not as a real entrepreneur.
Basically with this letter I am apologizing to you and to your mother. Trying to say that I have nothing against you and her.
Instead I am really grateful, because even though I have suffered, I have achieved, thanks to you, new goals, new emotions, satisfaction on work that I couldn’t see before.
I feel some kind of guiltiness toward you. Because even though I always loved you, I made you suffer!
When I knew about your health condition I really had for days shed tears for you! Does that mean something? Even though I am not a number one, my feelings have a value? After so many efforts acquiring new targets, may I deserve a respect like every other human being? I obtained new goals and satisfactions because I have followed your advice, may I ask to feel gratitude toward you? May I express gratitude toward you? I tried to be better because you asked I were, can be a reason to give me a little bit of friendship?
I am writing this letter now for many reasons that it is better I avoid to mention because I don’t even know if you will read this long letter. So it is better if I stop here.
Take Care of yourself. Bye.
Andrea
P.S.: Thank you for the photos! She is so cute… my siblings and nephews thank you as well for the photos and they say that Haruka is beautiful.
No comments:
Post a Comment