What will it remain?

June, 8th 2018

Dear Mutsumi,

the letter for the Court arrived, now, may you send a photo of Haruka?

I was unsure if I had to send another letter to the Court... but if I don’t answer I will not see Haruka anymore and I have already sent to the translator the text... so other money to spend... Monday or Tuesday I will send everything.

I wonder what will it remains after all this?

I really don’t want fight you anymore... but I cannot give up: I want respect for my role of father and husband.

Divorcing now is the only thing to do however.

When you left me I didn’t want to lose you, I died inside.

But you have done the right thing leaving me.

I have tried to be better. In the last 3-4 years I have done huge efforts to show that I was able to maintain a family. In some way some results arrived, I succeeded in putting apart some money for Haruka, but the reality cannot be changed: I just succeeded in maintaining myself in a decent way. If I had to maintain also a wife, I would have had a lot of difficulties and sacrifices. And I am always floundering among insomnia, fatigue, energy drops, crazy ideas, fantastic and unrealizable dreams, nervousness.

So the only thing I really think (forget what I have to write for the trial) is that I want to thank you! Thank you for the big effort you made to try to transform me in a complete person. I will be grateful to you forever because you opened up my eyes and showed me that I am not doing enough, I am always complaining without fight enough for this life that isn’t easy and I always want to live like a child, just enjoying it. But having a family doesn’t allow to have this way to live.

I have realized that I am just not fitted.

At the same time try to understand that I suffer thinking at you at my daughter, even if she doesn’t know me. Even if I am not enough! I am a person with feelings!

My worry is that after this trial you will have financial problems and you may lose your freedom.

I shouldn’t say, but you know that if you need some help, even though you will make me suffer again, even though you will humiliate me again, I will be always ready. I can be upset with you but I really cannot hate you.

I feel bad following this trial. When the letter arrived few days ago I felt a pain in the chest. I think often how bad you may feel as well. We should had found a better way to compromise. Because after this trial it will remain only ruins and debris. Nothing to create a new future and a good new relationship.

Bye.

Andrea

P.S. I will think at our experience all the remaining days of my life. And before exhaling my last breath, I will have the last thought of gratitude for you! Or at least, I hope to have just thought to one of our best moments, so I will have the chance to die with happiness.