Back to the future…

3/7/2021

Dear Mutsumi,

Thank you for the wonderful photos! I am very happy having received them and I have dreamed Haruka all night long… I hope Haruka can feel well.

Next month there is Haruka’s birthday. If you have some suggestion for a present, it is welcomed.

In these days I have thought a lot about you.

In the final part of this June, a lot of things happened.

• I went to a new little (free lance) job, well paid. At the building, I met a lot of women, of my age or younger and with the same level of culture. Quite hard for me to meet these people in the last years. So a good place to do new friendships. But instead I was shocked. I really had a bad sensation, like those I felt before to be for the first time in Toronto (when we met). Those sensations that sent me in the deep depression some year later, before I reconnected with you. I found those women emptied and not interesting. When I left the building, I thought how I would have reacted if I couldn’t meet you in my life. Would I have felt in another depression? Instead this time I did my job, with no second thought. I wasn’t sad anymore living in this world that doesn’t resembles me because what I had in life was special, meaning full and valid for a lifetime. That was you!
• I returned to have a relationship with my siblings and I was invited to a family party when my niece Margherita had “The First Communion” (a religious Catholic thing). At the party I realized why I made my own way. I need to stay with others so I reconnected with my siblings, but the choices I made and the will to try to create a family with you, were a good option.
• Monday I had to return to the old school where I have taught in the past (also in the period when we married). I sometimes work for a company and this time it sent me there because they rented a conference-room where I had to held a lecture on food-safety for workers of another food company. I met the same secretary there was in those days. She was like I left her some years ago: not happy, sad, unfriendly. I think she wanted to have a relationship with me when she knew we had problems with our marriage. She asked how things were going for me. I wanted to be short since I had to start the lecture, so I have just answered politely. But I thought “I am earning almost the triple per hour respect how much I could earn here before”. I thought what shitty life I could have done with a relationship with this woman. No good advices, no happiness, no ideas, no future, only slavery. Yes, my life isn’t complete, but I repeat that having met you gave me new perspectives. And returning on those places and meeting the same mentally tired people who sent me in depression, it seemed me to be “back from the future”. Like in the movie where the character have changed his future making the right choices at the right moment. For sure at her eyes I was the same person, but I am in a totally different situation.

In June I have earned well. Really well for my standards. It was at least 13 years it didn’t happened. Even though there is a deep economic crisis. I am tired but happy. I have been lucky. I have done a lot in these years so I am proud of myself, but this situation derives because I have tried to follow your advices. It took, however, too much time to reach again a result like this. And the next month will be just a normal month and nothing more (hoping that things go well). But I have a future. I want to keep going and try to find new goals and new ideas. I feel that I still have a life to live.

I know that you get bored reading my long mails, but I tell you all this in this precise moment because I know that now I am also ready to see you with others men, or another family. Before I couldn’t. I will always suffer, but I feel that I reached a new stage in my life.

From now on I have the chance to live well, with this big memory inside me, that gives me strength. This will allow me to tackle life in a strongest way and not be depressed because I live in a world where I don’t feel accepted.

I hope that with these words you can believe in my good faith. I am sincerely interested in your life and health. I really wish the best for you. I understand that in Japan you have another idea and and another way of living and I shouldn’t speak so openly, so I apologize. (And, however, also in Italy I should live with my feet on the ground instead of continually dreaming.) You have been my biggest dream realized and I will keep living well, with it.

Bye for now.

Andrea