20/12/2020
Dear Mutsumi,
This is a mail that it is long time I want to write. But a lot of work and the hard period have impeded me.
I am writing this mail because it needs that you help me. I need your help in order to avoid I do strange things.
In the last period I have been calmer. But my urge to have a connection with Haruka is still important for me.
I have felt also your better attitude toward me. So it has helped me to stay calm and hope in your decision to give me some trust.
I really don’t have any intention to disturb you. I don’t hate you even though I think that you should be more International in the way you consider my relationship with Haruka. I would like that you follow at least the Divorce Settlement. I don’t think I am asking too much.
However I understand that Japan is Japan and there are different ways to live. And I understand that I have failed with you. But I cannot forget a daughter.
At the same time I cannot forget the love I have felt for you.
But most important, I cannot forget what you have done for me.
At the beginning I couldn’t really understand it. I gave it for granted.
More the time passes, I better realize it. Thinking at all the person I met in my life, especially women, I can say that most people has turned their back to me. There wasn’t the interest to make me a better person out of me.
Instead you have tried to stimulate me. You have taught me your idea where I was making mistakes. You proposed ways to be better. You gave me opportunities (like when you proposed me to be a writer).
I don’t blame you for having given up. The result couldn’t come out. I have evident limits.
The gratitude towards you is high. Because now I have a rich memory inside me that it is worth for all lifelong. It is important because it give me the will to keep working and fighting. Always at my level, low level of surviving, but I have the strength inside me to go ahead. And I have to thank you!
So you don’t have to be offended if I couldn’t give what you expected. I was always in good faith. However I have clearly understood that good faith isn’t enough in life. It is important have results. This is one of your best teachings. I have always tried to work and be dedicated. But few results came out. So you have done the better choice for you. And I cannot complain.
In the last years something has improved in my life, but I had to lose a mother, a wife and a daughter in order to be more concentrated in my tasks and duty. And is not easy reducing my continuous dreaming state of mind.
The fight I have set in order to create a relationship with Haruka gave me a new personal strength. More confidence in myself. I am proud of what I have done. I feel more secure of myself. Less submissive. An attitude of my personality that you have always hated. A characteristic of my personality that everybody has exploited to take advantage of me. Also my mother, my siblings, my relatives and my friends! Nobody was interested that I was complete and emancipated.
The relationship with you has underline this my way to cope with the violence of society. A wrong way to cope with society and the others. The exchange of point of views with you, when we deepened our relationship has brought out this reality. Heavy to admit for me. The B-side of my submissiveness was that after a while I used to explode and be nervous or word offensive. Now I am more balanced. Even though it is late to be complete. But without you I couldn’t reach this level.
Everybody used to say to me “forget your daughter”. Friends, Italian Embassy, relatives, everybody. My siblings disappeared. I have kept fighting and working when possible. Receiving the Christmas Wishes from Haruka for me has been so beautiful! Thank you! Because you have sent the letter!
About the Christmas wishes, I am surprised she can already write… at her age I don’t even was able to think… (I have always been quite slow… however with big surprise of everybody, I could had a degree and became also a teacher, even though it isn’t my suited job. And you know it… I was always complaining… But at the end it has been a success after all since I had good feedbacks from the students. And now that I teach for business and company training, I have some good feedback from the companies). (By the way, the company of food production I was working in since the 2017 and gave me a lot of satisfactions and where I have learnt a lot, closes this end of year. I am sad because I have seen it born. Luckily for the moment I am in a good situation with many self-employed jobs).
About priorities. Yes, I have to prioritize my life because a father without a roof over the head isn’t a father. But after I have maintained myself and I have a roof over my head, I have Haruka as priority. And you, if you need, if you will.
It has passed 6 years from the day I have left Shiozawa, when you decide I had to leave. And in that moment I have made the error to go in Toronto instead to go back in Italy and start to earn money.
If I take a stock of this period I have not made a lot. I have paid something for the pension plan and a little part of the apartment I live in. Not much more. I have tried to start a business but I am still stuck. And I haven’t helped for my daughter yet. So a lot of things to do!
In that period I wasn’t mentally set to work in order to maintain a family and understand all the problem of a family. I was under stress and the body illness was onset. However we succeeded in having a daughter. The main thing in my life. And all this thanks to the fact you exist! And I am happy of having met you in my life. You have been so important for me!
I remember when you used to say “we cannot live with the work you make in the garden!”. I couldn’t understand clearly what you were meaning. I knew that helping your father wasn’t enough but I couldn’t understand why you were so upset. Now I understand! This month I have paid taxes on the home property, assurance on the apartment; I have paid income taxes, the administrative consultant, the food association membership, a check on the car engine and all the normal household expenses, etcetera… And the next month there are other expenses and I should also maintain Haruka. Life isn’t easy. And in that period I was just lingering in my enjoying of life. Now I try to do better. And sometimes not everything around goes well. But I have to hold on!
It's a pity we spent all that money and energy getting the divorce. But I couldn’t forget Haruka. And not even you. It is true that at the beginning I couldn’t conceive that I had to forget you. But as well I couldn’t accept the death of my mother. If there is real love, I think that it is a “normal” behavior if it doesn’t become excessive. And be a mature and adult person implies to accept also the aversive situations. I am grown. Also thanks to this situation.
I couldn’t forget Haruka so I have tried to put all together. So I have tried to hit you the less possible and just limit the damage.
So help me to behave well. Avoiding crazy behaviors. Only you can untie this situation. Because we know that everything might pass in my mind can only hurt Haruka future. And we know that however I don’t want to lose time and energy. My only aim is to have the chance to have a relationship with Haruka. It is really important also for her. Knowing that the father has always tried to have a relationship with her, will help her in her life and for her mental health.
So, do it for her.
You decide how to resolve this situation in a way that can be not heavy for you. And I will try to do my part, respecting your wishes. But you have to avoid to humiliate me because I suffer and after I act nervously. Too many times I felt humiliated.
I have written a lot, but it is important to mention another important thing. You are maintaining Haruka and this is giving me a great opportunity. I am investing in this little business. I don’t know if I will succeed. But if I will fail, I will fail “with money”. The day I cannot pay all the expenses (since every month I have the water and energy bills, various expenses, the fixed pension expenses even though I am not billing or emitting invoices), I will stop. I don’t want to go into debts. So it will remain something to sell and more money every months to help for Haruka. So since I consider that it is my duty help for Haruka, I hope that if the business will give revenues, I will help with real money. If I will fail, not succeeding, I still have some money for Haruka, less, but always money. (In march it might be a turning point, let’s see!).
I really thank you from the deep of my heart for what you are doing for our daughter!
Haruka is the result of a true love. And I will always do whatever I can for her.
Using Skype for connecting, might be heavy and tiring for you. I understand. And it might be too heavy also for Haruka. You know that my idea was to have an easy way to connect. For example, when we open the connection, just greet each other and let Haruka keep playing or doing what she is doing. I don’t want that she feels obliged to communicate with me. I just ask that you pay attention sometimes if the camera cannot see her, after a while you turn the camera toward her.
In Europe we use a mobile phone app called “Whatsapp”. It is possible make video calls. Using the mobile phone might be easier to manage everything and follow Haruka with the camera. You can make video calls also when you are at the supermarket for example, so the experience would be less heavy, more involving and made wherever you want without many problems of meetings at a specified time.
If in Japan you have another app, just let me know that I will try to download it.
If you have expenses for this connections, just let me know (like a support for the mobile, a new camera, also a new cell phone or a new computer if I can afford it).
You may send the link of things you need, I buy the things on the site of Amazon Japan and you receive the things you need like the presents of Haruka.
Ok, I think that it is enough. Sorry for being so long!
Kiss Haruka for me.
Bye!
Andrea
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