thoughts

3/6/2021

Dear Mutsumi,

First of all I want to apologize for continuing disturbing and bothering you.

With this pandemic I was worried that you might have some problem. I have endured avoiding messaging you, till few days ago. I had the sensation either I had done something wrong or you had some problem.

And more I hold on, more it is easy that during the night I dream you and Haruka.

I don’t know how to manage completely these feelings. In these days I was thinking that I have metabolized quite well our divorce. I needed time. But I don’t know why  I feel so strongly the love for my family members. I still dream my mother and my father after so many years.

In the past I have felt sometimes rage because you excluded me from Haruka’s life, but I cannot hate you given the fact I loved you so much. And I really cannot forget you. How could I hate you after you have saved me by a deep depression? You saved my life. You have given me so many advices. You have given me a future, indicating where to go in the work field and giving birth to Haruka.

I am sincerely worried for your health. Like for a sister. Is it wrong? Is it a beautiful thing? Is it insane? I really don’t know.

However, part of my “anxiety” is due by the fact that I don’t have the chance to help Haruka when she needs. Not having the chance to see when Haruka needs help, put me in worry. Some day she will need help for sure and I will not be there: this is depressing.  

About the Videos I have sent, those are really bad quality, I have forgotten English… and while I am recording I don’t know what to say. I hope that is clear that it is just a form to maintain a contact. If they are too poor, you don’t have to show them to Haruka.

About my health: Some days I feel lost. I try to hold on. I would like to find a turning point in the work and in earnings; it seems that I have to work more and wait more…

In few days I will have the second jab (shot) of Pfizer vaccine.

Bye!

Andrea