1/6/2020
Dear Mutsumi,
It is six months I cannot have a connection with Haruka. And with this international situation who knows when I will have again the chance to see her…
I had a dream last night. I was in Japan to see Haruka. After the fifth day of my visit, I couldn’t take the train to go back in Italy and Haruka couldn’t greet me because our five days were finished. She wasn’t allowed to greet me on the sixth day because our five annual days were finished. I waked up in anxiety.
I knew that you wouldn’t allow me to set a relationship with Haruka, that’s why I have given you the divorce so slowly. You have won, but how much do you want to win?
Now I greet you. After this mail there is a series of “never written letters” that I have thought in these months of lock down.
Bye.
Andrea
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Title: Ayame
Ayame, I think also about her. I consider her my niece, I have known her she was a child. I have hold her on my legs, also in the video of our marriage it is clear. I think if she would like to come here one day in her life or come here to study.
So I ask to myself suddenly:”But why Mutsumi doesn’t understand my sincerity in my feelings. If I hope this for Ayame, can I have a stronger feeling for my daughter? I don’t want to stole her life, I just want to give and share something. Mutsumi either really hates me or our cultural idea of life is completely different!”
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Title: Seppuku
My disease for some period has impeded me to work. Since my idea is that my money has to go to
Haruka I have tried to understand if I could work again. If I was just reducing the money I had it was
better make seppuku.
In the first year after the dead of my mother, I thought if I had to make seppuku because I couldn’t work enough. And leaving all the money to Haruka. But before I had to see Haruka and then I had to divorce, so all my money were for Haruka.
But in the process, the years are passed and I started to earn more money that I have spent. So I thought I could live and give something to Haruka. For a period I have also put apart some good money. So I started to invest till I have bought a house. But things, again, are not going as I hoped. So I have to insist in order to return in the situation till I can earn more money I am spending and recover the money I had put apart for Haruka. Now I cannot even make seppuku because I have to recover the money spent!
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Title: I don’t understand.
If you don’t follow the settlement I will keep to bother.
I don’t understand if you like knowing I am continuously thinking and suffering about you and Haruka. I really suffer. I wake up during the night and I start thinking. During the day. At dinner, at lunch. Every hope I have is one day I can show that after all something I could provide. Or be in help.
We divorced, so I have to avoid to think of you. It is my duty. Even though you have been so important for me, I have to avoid any possible thought, I have to suppress any kind of feeling toward you. As adult and responsible man I have to impose me this task.
But as a father I cannot do the same with Haruka. The life duty is to follow our children. Try to help me in easing my problems.
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Title: I apologize because I cannot forget you and your smile.
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Title: Let Haruka have a beautiful Life.
When I heard the daughter in the apartment above, running towards her father calling "Daddyyyyy..." with
joy, my heart has sunk... but yesterday seeing Haruka's photos has given me a lot of happiness. It isn't the
same, but knowing about our daughter gives me a good feeling.
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Title: Stendhal Syndrome
Dear Mutsumi,
With you I have suffered Stendhal Syndrome. What had I to do? For how long I have to pay for it?
How many tears I still have to shed?
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