I have bought the ticket

October the 9th, 2019

Dear Mutsumi,

I was already writing a mail to you when I received yours.

First of all I answer to your last mail and then I will put the mail I was writing because I have bought the ticket.

- You are not late. The mail you have written is in a perfect timing. If Haruka is not feeling good I am ready to change all the schedule, even though now since I have already bought the ticket, I will be in Japan however. I am happy that I can exchange some word with Haruka if she can speak a little bit of English.

- About the November meetings, I think it can work. In fact, starting from March of the next year, it is really likely I will start a new job, it is only seasonal and usually finishes around late October. I hope to maintain this job for more years, so it might be really good for this planning you have.

- It is ok that you don’t write on the settlement a defined number of days for the meetings. Try to understand though that 2 days per year for me it is nothing, especially from the economic point of view. So let’s see how the relationship will evolve. I understand that you have done big efforts to reach this point. I have learnt that Japanese culture is totally different from mine. I know that if you let me see Haruka for two days per years it is just your kindness. It is a lot in Japan. I have insisted for a relationship with Haruka because it is something that is deeply inside me. So don’t put a defined number of day, but try to be flexible, especially in the future and when Haruka will grow.

I have also to say at this point that I don’t understand what happened. Because you have a complete different attitude in the last period. I will try to remain the most flexible possible. I will try to understand always your point of you, like I have always been, like in the past. But there are basics that cannot be avoided. However I will try to be always ready to change my requests and reschedule plans in order to have a pleasant relationship with Haruka and you.

- About Skype meetings, I had in mind something really easy (offhand): opening the computer on Skype for some period of time, when she is playing at home; she doesn’t have to speak, it may be too heavy and difficult, for everybody; I don’t need to speak with her, sometimes I will move from the computer too, but she can see my face and I can hear her voice and see her playing and after a while we close the Skype connection; it is ok if we don’t share any word at all. I know that it might be strange, but I just want to let her know my presence. It might be quite heavy for you… I hope I have explained my point of view, my idea. It is clear that when she will be 10 years old, this type of connections, cannot be hold. And however you have your life, you cannot have a face that you hate on the screen of your computer. But since we haven’t to say a word in these meetings, I would give a try. If you don’t want to put a defined amount of times, it is ok for me because if you don’t want to do these meetings, no meeting will be hold. So it is up to you.

I like the sentence you wrote “I would like to make the realistic settlement that we can continue to do”. I agree with it totally. I have requested a defined number of days of meeting in Japan and times of meetings on Skype because my big fear is that you may change your mind, suddenly. I am exhausted. I need some certainty too. I still cannot believe at the chance you are giving me to have a real relationship with Haruka. I am just recovering from a big trauma. I am suspicious. Try to understand. (I hope this is not a complaint or a blame. Let me know if for you what I have said is hurting and heavy).

- You can put on the settlement “physical and mental condition of Haruka is the top priority” I agree totally!

- It is ok to involve your lawyer. Just try everybody to be plain, sincere. I don’t want to be rude, but I reckon that also the current lawyer has played dirty. My mails were clear about my requests from the beginning. But I can forget the past. I have shrunk my requests in order to resolve the issue. I hope that from now on we can find a new way to deal. You have already shown this your new attitude. Let’s see your lawyer now.

- Knowing that you were the one who paid the translations for the trial put me in despair. I am so sorry that you have to waste so much money. But I couldn’t give up! Try to understand. I apologize because it is true that I wasn’t ready to set you free. The first two years have been really heavy for me. After I could give you the divorce, but I really cannot live with the idea of a daughter that I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder if I should have acted differently. It is hard to find an answer. But remember that the tears I shed for you, few months ago, when I knew about your health condition were true. I don’t hate you. I don’t want revenge. You are free. I am grown and I am ready to finish my life alone. I just need to clarify to myself the role I want and I need to have with Haruka.

I really haven’t understood why you made an appeal without speaking a little bit before to act. However in this summer something changed inside me. I was ready to give up everything. I am not proud of it. But I am getting old. My health is not good. I have to look forward. Now I really hope we can find a solution, so I will not have the need of the translations of your appeal.

- When I have spoken about staying with Haruka some days without you, I was thinking when she will have 10 years old, not now. I want to be clear about it. Now, for sure, she cannot stay with me. I can understand that in some way mine is a silly request because it might be she will be enough grown to say that she doesn’t want to pass time with me, and we cannot force her to do it. It is possible that I have requested it more for my psychological need to believe that I can still create a good relationship with her. I shouldn’t hope it. It is quite late. But it is stronger than me. However, in my idea, if you allow it, it is still possible to create something. Although, at the moment, I haven’t understood a lot of the situation.

- I am sincere, I am not worried about the meeting. If we are ready to enjoy it and respect each other, it will be easy. I am positive. You know that my feelings toward you are sane, sincere. I will always thank you for everything you have made for me. I don’t want to hide that I have been in anger with you in the past, but now I am completely without any bitterness toward you. I just hope that the opening toward me is sincere because I think that I cannot afford another suffering.

Bye

Andrea

P.S.: The next mail has been written before your last one. So it is sharper in the words and in the sentences. See it like a process I am doing inside me.

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SECOND MAIL

Dear Mutsumi,

I’ve bought the flight ticket.

I‘ll arrive at Narita airport the 23rd at 11:10 am; so before 2pm I will not be at Tokyo Station. I hope it is better also for you and your job.

I know that I lose half day visit with Haruka but the 21st I have to hold a little course on food safety, good money that I cannot avoid to take. I really need to earn money in this moment. (I have opened a little business that it is not easy to maintain, a lot of taxes and pension tributes to pay and few revenues. My health has impeded me to work too many times this year, so I have to recover from the economic point of view. However I don’t have debts. And even though being two times in Japan in this year is too much, I can do this effort to see my daughter. I want to, I have to!).

I will leave on Monday the 2nd of December. (I want to have the chance to see as long as possible Haruka on Sunday the 1st.).

So now it is time to understand where to sleep and what you have planned to do in the days we meet so I can book the hotels.

You have to tell me what I have to pay (trains, hotels, restaurant, amusement parks, etcetera). I will pay as much as I can. I will be 100% sincere telling you if I can afford your proposals. I can understand that you have spent a lot for this divorce. So it is up to me try to pay everything for this days with Haruka.

Now, I tell you an idea I have, that I know may be quite different from yours. Don’t take this as mandatory. I am completely ready and favorable to change my programs and my plans:

- Saturday, Sunday and Monday I will sleep in Tokyo (since I think you have planned some activities in Tokyo and the Monday we have to be at the Court if I agree with what you propose on the settlement);

- From Tuesday I would move to Muikamachi. (I know that this scares you, but what have I to do in Tokyo? I am ready to change schedule though. In Muikamachi station there is a cheap hotel. It is true that I have to take the Shinkansen twice, but I can go in the toshokan to work and to study during the day. In Tokyo, everything is more expensive and I don’t know where to go. I don’t want to pass 4 days spending money without meaning. Walking in the streets without a goal. Being secluded in the hotel room. I have done it too many time till now. And more, I like to see again the places I am deeply linked with. Minamiuonuma is a place I feel mine. Don’t worry, I will not disturb you and your family. I will stay in Muikamachi. And if the weather will be beautiful, I will rent a bike and I will go to the rice fields and to the shoes shop that is in the direction of Urasa. I think it is good to pass time in Muikamachi because for my diet, it might be more easy to find the food since I already know some of the food stores and restaurant. In Tokyo I would have to restart to discover the area depending on where I have the hotel room, even though I know quite well the area around Nihonbashi and its Northern Area toward Edo-dori Avenue.).

- Friday I may move from Muikamachi and direct where you have thought you want to meet for Saturday and Sunday.

In my opinion, in order to avoid to spend and to waste too much money, we may pass Saturday the 30th  and Sunday the 1st around your area, or not so far. However I let you decide everything. It was just a suggestion. You have the right to have pleasant days or at least not too heavy.

For the future, I will always put a budget on my travels and I will communicate it to you in advance. All the savings, I will give to you for Haruka or for yourself. This time, given the shortage of money, I cannot put a budget in advance. I will spend just the amount of money needed. I am sorry.

Bye

Andrea

P.S.: It would be beautiful meet also Ayame and her family in these days. She has always shown sympathy towards me.